


when i close my eyes (i still dream of you)

by haetbit



Series: my all and more [3]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Future Fic, Getting Together, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Minor Violence, Slow Burn, like incredibly slow
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-10
Updated: 2021-01-10
Packaged: 2021-03-14 12:15:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,357
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28670601
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/haetbit/pseuds/haetbit
Summary: What do you say to a friend whom you’ve let down, and then fucked, and who have hence decided to lock you out of his life?Johnny doesn’t know, but he figures it out eventually.
Relationships: Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Suh Youngho | Johnny
Series: my all and more [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1982278
Comments: 9
Kudos: 96





	when i close my eyes (i still dream of you)

**Author's Note:**

> please please PLEASE read all the tags before commencing  
> also linked to my works breathe and this dream isn't feeling sweet, you might need to read those to get some parts mentioned here (but it's cool if you don't either)) 
> 
> title from singer fromm's aftermath

Paris. 

It’s been a while since he’s visited this city. 

Johnny looks out of the car window to observe the Parisian streets, as the vehicle winds through the city’s districts and takes him to the venue of the fashion show. As one of the newly appointed brand ambassadors, he was invited to attend its show at this spring’s Fashion Week. He must admit, though: he hadn’t been very particularly keen on attending it. He’s finding himself in need of a break from people lately, after two months of working on set for an upcoming series while also being involved in the production of Taeyong’s new album. Mark says that it’s a sign that he’s getting old, this uncharacteristic need to find time away from people and from the public eye.

Johnny is beginning to think that he’s right. 

The car pulls to a stop outside the _Palais de Tokyo_ , where a crowd has already gathered. He thanks the driver, and steps out of the car while being greeted by the camera flash and screams. 

Walk. Pose for the cameras. Smile. Repeat. 

He is ushered into the venue quickly after his photocall, and the staff directs him to his seat in the front row. Some familiar faces greet him, and he makes small talk with them. Models, actors, designers; some of whom he’s worked with before, some of whom he hasn’t. 

It takes a few minutes before he notices it. 

The persistent gaze of someone, coming from his far left. 

Of course, he was used to people staring at him; hell, he used to perform in front of thousands who were all looking at him. But this is different. 

He doesn’t know why, or how. It just is. 

He turns around, frowning slightly as he tries to locate the source of that gaze. Whoever it was seems to have looked away, probably realising that they’ve caught his attention. He smiles politely when the actress seated next to him jokingly asks if he’s looking for someone, and he was almost about to give up, when he finds it. 

When he finds _him._

Johnny blinks a few times just to make sure that he isn’t imagining things. 

Jeong Jaehyun is seated at the front row of the section to his left, looking as stunning as ever in a dark plaid suit with a white turtleneck, dark hair swept back. Their eyes meet for a brief second, and then Jaehyun is turning away, head facing where the start of the runway must be. 

Johnny, however, fixes his gaze on him. 

It’s been more than a year since he’s last seen Jaehyun. After their fallout in that hotel and his failed attempts to initiate a conversation with Jaehyun on their way back to Korea, Jaehyun had completely disappeared from his life. Four missed calls, perhaps a dozen of unread messages, on top of a no-show at his farewell dinner were all they had as a goodbye before Johnny was on his flight back to Chicago.

Is he mad at Jaehyun for locking him out like that, no explanations whatsoever? 

Perhaps. 

He definitely had been, during the first few months back in America. He admits that it was awful of him to not have told Jaehyun about his departure earlier, but he didn’t think that he deserved this extent of a cold shoulder. Especially not after that, frankly still quite bizarre, happening in his hotel room that night. 

But as time passed the anger and frustration faded, leaving all but confusion and questions in its wake. 

He still doesn’t understand why it had happened.

He’s never thought of himself to be anything but straight; sure, spending his late teens living in a dormitory together with a bunch of boys and doing absolutely everything with them has definitely made him question his orientation once or twice, but he’s always been certain of his attraction towards the opposite sex. So it all made even less sense, what he had done that night. 

Had it simply been lust? 

Had he unconsciously harboured lust towards this friend of his over the years? 

And what about Jaehyun? How did he feel about it, about _him_? Had he wanted it, too? 

The thought of Jaehyun having feelings that extend beyond that of friendship towards him stirs up emotions in him that he still isn’t ready to read into yet. 

Because Jaehyun is (or, _had been_ ) a friend. A close friend. One whom he had been hesitant about sharing the news of his departure with, not because he wasn’t important, but because he _was_ important and Johnny had been afraid of how he might react, more so than any other of the members (maybe except for Doyoung, who still never fails to passively guilt-trip him about it once in a while). 

He’d spent months pondering over these questions, keeping himself awake on some nights over them, reminiscing about their past and letting the regret slowly eat him up. 

Now that a year has passed, these feelings and thoughts have slowly faded away too. All that’s left is an odd sense of melancholy, mixed with regret and resignation that they might never be able to return to how they were before.

The actress next to Johnny clears her throat, a little louder than necessary, and only then does he realise that the show is starting. He flashes her a somewhat apologetic grin before darting his eyes back towards where Jaehyun is once more, only to gasp softly when he does. 

Jaehyun is looking back at him, brows slightly raised in question but eyes betraying his amusement. He turns his attention back to the runway after their eyes meet again, and this time, so does Johnny.

Johnny thinks that there might have even been a trace of a smile left on Jaehyun’s lips, but that might just be his eyes playing tricks on him. 

  
  
  


The venue is a mess at the end of the show, with people either mingling to chat about the collection or trying to leave the place altogether, the staff ushering people towards the exit. Johnny finds himself trying to look for Jaehyun, but he is no longer at the section where he was seated previously, and in the sea of people swimming in a flurry of colours, finding a single person is simply an impossible task. 

He kindly rejects the invitation to attend the afterparty when the show has ended, choosing instead to return to his hotel to rest for the night. For the first time in a while, there are no schedules lined up for him tomorrow, and he definitely does not wish to waste his free day being hungover in his hotel room. Vaguely, he wonders if Jaehyun would be there at the party, and if he is missing a chance to finally get to talk to him. But he dismisses that thought as quickly as it came to him. 

After all, what is he going to say? What does one say to a friend whom you’ve let down, and then fucked, and who have hence decided to lock you out of his life? 

Johnny doesn’t know, and he is surely not about to find out tonight. 

  
  


Later that night, when he gives up on trying to fall asleep, he opens up Instagram to see that Jaehyun had posted something two hours ago. It’s a set of pictures of him in his outfit today, walking along the banks of the Seine. At the end of the set was a photo of him at the same location, but in a different hairstyle and outfit. Johnny recognises this photo: it’s the one he took during his filming of the music video for a cover he did, back in 2019 when they visited Paris together as a team. 

The caption reads: _Missed you_

Johnny stares hard at the two words, long enough till he can see them behind his eyelids when he closes his eyes again. He tries to convince himself that Jaehyun’s talking about the view, the city, the fans, _anything_ really. Anything that is not him, but his brain reminds him of that ghost of a smile he seemed to have seen Jaehyun giving him during the show just now, and he can’t help it. 

“Fuck,” he mutters when he decides that this isn’t going anywhere, and gets out of bed to open the complimentary bottle of wine the hotel staff’s left in his room upon checking him in. 

In retrospect, maybe he should have gone to the afterparty.

  
  


The next day passed slowly. Having finally fallen asleep at close to 6 in the morning, Johnny only left the hotel late in the afternoon. He took a walk around _Montmartre_ , letting his head go empty as he blended in with the other tourists and locals, caught a panoramic view of Paris at the top of the hill, standing in front of the _Sacré-Cœur._ Then he descended back down to the 8th _arrondissement_ , walking down _Champs-Élysées_ for the main missions of this trip: to get Taeyong the sweet treats he’s reminded him to get multiple times, and also find that new limited edition cologne from Jo Malone he knows Doyoung’s been eyeing. It was a success, even though he barely scraped by before the closing hours of the shops, and he returned to the hotel pleased with himself that night, thoughts that bugged him last night long thrown to the back of his mind. 

His phone is ringing when he steps out of the bathroom in nothing but a bathrobe tied loosely by his waist. It’s Mark who sent a FaceTime request, and he accepts the call as he fumbles around his luggage for something comfortable to change into. 

_“Hey, hyung!”_

He peers at the screen and sees Mark’s face, spectacles framing his round eyes and stubble still unshaved. It seems like he is on the move in a car. 

“Hey,” he answers. “What time is it over there?” 

“ _Almost 3 I think,”_ Mark replies as he looks outside the window briefly before turning back to him, eyes lighting up with obvious excitement. 

“ _Dude, so how was the show?”_

Johnny picks out a random pair of joggers as well as an old hoodie and throws them on the bed, deciding that he would change after the call. 

“It was pretty cool, I guess. I…”

_Couldn't really pay attention._

Mark catches on his hesitance and frowns.

" _Was it, like, not good?_ ” 

“No it was great, I just…” Johnny pauses, and then sighs. He's got a bad feeling that telling Mark about this now, over FaceTime, is not the best idea, but there really isn’t any other way to explain this. 

“I just saw Jaehyun there.” 

“ _Oh._ ” 

Silence ensued. 

Johnny watches Mark fidget in his seat, opening his mouth only to close it, eyes darting away from and back to the screen nervously. 

“Just spit it out, dude.”

Mark flashes him an embarrassed grin, before speaking his mind at last. 

“ _So did you… Like... Talk to him?”_

Johnny shakes his head. “He was sitting a distance away, and by the time the show’s over he was gone.” 

“ _Oh man…”_

“Yep,” he replies, smacking his lips to emphasise the ‘p’. 

The others all know about their fallout; not the details of it, and definitely not what led up to it, but it’s hard for them to not be able to tell that their relationship’s gone sour when Jaehyun hasn’t been entirely discreet about how he wanted to stay away from Johnny. They’ve tried asking them about it on separate occasions, but based on what the rest has told him Jaehyun has been keeping mum about it, so Johnny hasn’t talked about it to anyone either. It’s not exactly his own story to tell. It wouldn’t be fair to Jaehyun, as much as he feels like Jaehyun’s being unfair to him. 

Perhaps somewhere deep in him, he wants to believe that Jaehyun has his reasons for shutting him out. 

Mark’s eyes are darting around nervously again, with his lips pursed and expression one of which Johnny used to make fun of when Mark had been barely 18. _I can see you overthinking, man, it looks like you’re constipated,_ he would say, and Mark would squawk at him indignantly. 

“Mark.” 

He feels a little guilty when Mark’s head snaps back to look at him through the screen, eyes wide with alertness. 

“Just tell me what’s on your mind.” 

Silence finds its way between them again, but this time, Johnny doesn’t push Mark for answers. He knows that Mark’s overthinking about how to put the words out right; if there is something that hasn’t changed over the years, it would definitely be Mark’s kind-heartedness and how he would hate to make anyone upset. So Johnny waits, taking the time to disappear from the camera to change into his sleepwear.

“ _I guess_ …” Mark starts just as he pops back in the frame, fully dressed. 

“ _I just miss hanging out together, hyung… The three of us…_ ” 

His thoughts all seem to come to a stop at Mark’s words, and he pauses in the midst of getting himself comfortable on the bed. The sheepish but doleful expression Mark has on his face makes Johnny’s heart ache, and he sighs. 

“ _Oh_ , Markie…” 

“ _I really miss it, you know_ ,” Mark continues, meeting Johnny’s eyes through the screen for a brief moment. “ _Just our team hanging out together, talking nonsense and fooling around… Like, whenever we meet up nowadays, it’s either you’re not there, or Jaehyun’s not there, and I really just —_ ” 

Mark cuts himself off then, looking away with a frown etched on his forehead. It makes Johnny frown too, almost like he can feel just how upset his friend is. 

_“I just don’t like it when that happens. It doesn’t feel complete.”_

“...” 

Johnny says nothing in return, because _what can he say_? He should have known that the breakdown of his relationship with Jaehyun would affect the rest of their members; he should have expected it, and perhaps he had. But truthfully, he has never given an actual thought about this until now. It feels horrible, to hear that he was part of the cause of unhappiness for the other members, and especially for Mark. He’s never liked letting Mark down, something which stems from the protectiveness he’s felt over this particular little brother he’s gained since their trainee days. 

“I’m sorry, Mark.” 

He says at last, wishing that he could be there with Mark right now so that he can give him a hug and let him feel that he truly is sorry. Mark, on the other hand, seems shocked by his apology and is shaking his head. 

“ _No, no, dude, don’t apologise_ ,” he’s panicking now, “ _Shit, that must have sounded so childish and, just, needy_ —” 

“No, Mark,” Johnny insists, tone firm enough to get Mark to close his mouth and look at him with those wide eyes, waiting for him to continue. It’s moments like this when Johnny feels like despite how so much has changed, Mark is still the boy who used to be much shorter than him, following him around and believing everything he said, lies or not. 

“I should be thanking you for being honest with me, and I really am sorry that… This situation’s screwed up our group dynamics.” 

Mark looks like he’s about to object, so Johnny adds his next sentence hastily. 

“I can’t promise you that everything can go back to the way it was before,” he says, and Mark frowns again. “But I can promise you that I would try.”

And he plans to keep that promise. He’ll be heading to Seoul, not back to America, tomorrow to finish up the last bits of production for Taeyong’s album. He can stay in Korea for as long as he wants this time round, since he told his agent that he wanted a break after this, which means that he has as much time as he needs to patch things up with Jaehyun.

Would it be enough? He doesn’t know, but he has to give this one last shot. If not for himself, at least for the rest of the members. 

They chat idly about Paris and what Mark’s been up to lately, before bidding each other goodbye when Mark tells him that he’s reached the company and has to go. 

“See you in two days, hyung.” 

Mark flashes him a genuine smile, which Johnny is grateful for. 

“See you, Markie.” 

When the call ends, Johnny lets his phone slide off his hands and fall to the bed with a flop, the lethargy from the day and the call finally kicking in. 

Johnny prides himself to be someone self-assured, optimistic and always able to take challenges on with ease. He was the unwavering pillar of their team, after all. 

But strangely, when it comes to his relationship with Jaehyun, all these traits seem to be stripped away from him, leaving him to find his way out of murky waters with a broken compass. 

It’s exhausting, but he has to try. For himself. For the rest of his friends. 

(For Jaehyun.) 

  
  
  


Apparently, hell managed to break loose in between the time it took for him to board the plane at Charles de Gaulle and land in Incheon. 

It’s the first thing he sees when he taps into Naver out of boredom while waiting at immigration. 

_Idol-Actor Jeong Jaehyun Caught in Attitude Scandal: Stylist Exposes “Insane Encounter”_

He stares incredulously at the title, not even noticing that the line has moved until the person waiting behind him taps on his shoulder to prompt him. He scrolls through the article quickly as he moves in line, reading about how the stylist has uploaded the ‘encounter’ onto his Instagram Story a night ago. According to him, Jaehyun had come up to him _unprovoked_ when he was chatting with a colleague at the afterparty of a fashion show — the brand had been censored, but Johnny knows that it was the one they were both at — and asked him what his deal was, before asking him to apologise. Johnny raises his brow at this. Jaehyun definitely isn’t the type of person who would go looking for trouble unprovoked. He stays away from confrontations as much as possible, even back when they were still a team and conflicts of opinions arose, Jaehyun was one of the members (alongside Johnny) who would try to reason with both sides to prevent it from escalating into something ugly. 

_He might have changed,_ his brain reasons, _you don’t know him as well as you think you do anymore._

He grits his teeth, chases that thought away and scrolls further down the article. Seems like Jaehyun’s fans had already questioned the stylist what he was talking about before Jaehyun came to him. Something about his insistence that he had been simply chatting with his friend and enjoying the party in his replies doesn’t sit right with Johnny. But the next thing he sees is an audio link of what went down that night. He hesitates for a moment, thumb hovering over the link before making up his mind and tapping it. 

“ _Who the fuck do you think you are, going around saying things like that?”_

That is without a doubt Jaehyun’s voice, except Johnny doesn’t think he’s ever heard Jaehyun snarl like this, sounding so angry. Johnny’s heart sinks as the audio continues. 

It’s the stylist, replying, “ _And who the hell are you to barge into our conversation like that?”_

Then came some scuffling and gasps, before a few people screamed. Johnny feels his blood run cold. Surely not. Surely Jaehyun hasn’t just assaulted someone in public. 

_“What the hell are you doing! Get off of him_ _—”_

The audio cuts off just in time for Johnny’s turn at immigration to arrive and he slides his phone back into his pocket, ears still ringing from the screams in the audio. 

He thinks he hears it even when he goes to collect his luggage, when he is standing in line for the taxi. His palms are damp from cold sweat. All in disbelief and denial over what had happened. Over what Jaehyun did. He doesn’t have the energy to fight the thoughts of, _The Jaehyun I know wouldn’t do something like that,_ so he keeps it running in his head, until he reaches the hotel and his head hits the pillow on his bed. 

_What the hell happened, Jay…_

  
  
  
  


The jet-lag knocks him out for a whole day, and when he finally stirs awake it’s 6 in the morning of the day he’s supposed to head to the company to work on Taeyong’s album. He spends the first few minutes of consciousness just blinking at the ceiling, waiting for his brain to start its processes, before he finally remembers what’s transpired during the last few hours he’s been awake. 

He dismisses the KakaoTalk notifications that have built up over the past day and taps into Naver immediately, looking for updates on the situation. It’s no longer the main news being covered, which is a relief, but it’s still taking up a few headlines in the Entertainment section. The latest article reports that the stylist is intending to sue Jaehyun for assault, while SM is still investigating the details of what happened that night, in close contact with Jaehyun himself. The article ends off with a reminder that Jaehyun has yet to issue an apology. 

Johnny sighs as he throws his phone onto the mattress and lies back down. He doesn’t think he’s over the shock yet, that Jaehyun did something so out of character (or at least, out of character for the Jaehyun he once knew), but he’s slowly coming to terms with it. He still believes that Jaehyun had valid reasons to throw a punch at someone in public where he was easily recognised, but does his beliefs even matter at this point? He’s barely in the position to text Jaehyun and ask about him.

The fact that he still cares so much about someone who’s locked him out with no explanations is starting to make him feel pathetic again, just like it had during his first few months back in America. 

_Whatever_ , he thinks, the usual way he did whenever thoughts about Jaehyun have slipped into his mind in the past year, and gets up to head into the shower.

He’s got a long day ahead of him, and he is determined to not let these thoughts cloud his brain even when he’s working.

  
  
  


He doesn’t succeed. 

Although, to be fair, his failure mostly has to do with how Taeyong is constantly talking about what happened with Jaehyun whenever they are taking a break from producing. 

So far, in the 3 hours that he’s stepped into the company and this studio, he’s already found out a few updates about how Jaehyun has been doing: 

  1. He returned to Korea a day before Johnny did, and had been having meetings with the company’s staff since the news broke out. 
  2. He is adamant on not apologising, but he isn’t opening up to the staff about what’s happened and why he refuses to apologise. 
  3. None of the members know what happened either, but Jaehyun had told them not to worry and that he will settle it on his own. 



Johnny couldn’t do anything but absorb all this information quietly when Taeyong was rambling on about the whole story during their first break. He wonders if Taeyong had forgotten that Johnny is no longer part of their circle ( _Jaehyun’s circle)_ in the midst of his worried state, but he thinks not. He wouldn’t be filling him in on all the information he’s missed out on if he did forget. 

He’s saved by Mark, who appears when they are wrapping up for the day, and he almost heaves a sigh of relief at the sight of his friend. Taeyong probably wouldn’t continue sharing his thoughts and guesses about what had happened when Mark is around; in his eyes, Mark is still a baby (they aren’t that different after all, Johnny muses) and shouldn’t be troubled by these scandals. He receives a tight hug from Mark, and then they are explaining to him how the production’s going. 

“There’s just one more track to go, and we’re good,” Taeyong tells Mark, his expression full of pride as he lifts his palm at Johnny’s direction for a high-five. 

“Honestly, it is so much better working with just Johnny instead of with the executives in the company.” 

Johnny snorts. “Of course, you get to order me around whenever you aren’t satisfied with something.” 

Taeyong protests loudly, and Mark laughs from the side as they argue with each other, joining in the laughter eventually too. It reminds Johnny of their days together as a team; hours spent in the practice rooms, energy levels dropping before picking up again whenever Johnny, Jungwoo or Donghyuck cracks a joke and has everyone doubling over in laughter. The days hadn’t always been smooth, but they had each other.

If there is one thing that Johnny regrets about leaving the company, it would definitely be this. The friendship and camaraderie he’s left behind. 

“No but really, hyung,” Mark is serious suddenly, eyes bright as he faces Johnny. “I think the company really is regretting that they’ve let you go. But whatever, like, I’m just. Really proud of you, man.” 

His words make Johnny smile, because the Johnny from a year or two ago might have been concerned about that too; whether or not he’s doing better than he had been when he was under this company. But now? He thinks he’s over it. He’s having fun doing what he’s doing right now, and he has more control over the opportunities he has, that’s all that matters. 

“Thanks Markie,” he says, and Mark beams at him as he squeezes his shoulders. 

They pack up and leave the recording studio together, and for a moment panic seizes Johnny as he wonders whether the conversation will drift towards Jaehyun once more, but again, Mark Lee swoops in to save his ass. 

“Taeyong-hyung, actually, do you mind going through the choreography we learnt last week with me? I think there’s one part I can’t seem to get right…” 

He watches as Taeyong and Mark talk about the choreography — frankly a word he hasn’t used in quite a while — from the side, feeling oddly out of place. It’s strange, to once have been a part of what they are discussing, to know what exactly they are talking about, and suddenly just… Not.

But that was his choice, and he has to live with its consequences. 

“Johnny, sorry, do you want to go ahead first?” Taeyong asks apologetically. “I think we might need to head back to the practice room for this.”

Johnny straightens and readjusts the strap of his bag across his chest. 

“Yeah, of course. No worries,” he reassures them, and gives Mark a hug when his friend opens his arms. 

“See you tomorrow!” 

He waves his friends goodbye and heads over to the lobby alone, chest feeling a lot heavier than it had been all day.

 _It’s okay,_ he tells himself as he waits for the elevator. _They’re still your friends. Your family. These are just things that you’ve got to live with. Like what happened with Jaehyun._

He ignores the pang in his heart at the last thought, takes a deep breath, and steps into the elevator when the doors open. 

  
  
  


Strangely enough, he happened to be having dinner with Donghyuck when Taeyong sent an urgent message to their group chat that night. 

It is an impromptu meeting; Donghyuck called him just as he was about to head out for dinner alone, asking him how coming back to Seoul has been so far, how Taeyong’s album is going, and what he’s done today. At his suggestion to join him for dinner, Donghyuck went, _Thought you’d never ask, hyung,_ before adding: _Hyung’s the one paying~_

Johnny laughed before he agreed easily. Some things really don’t change, after all. 

Halfway through their meal in the Italian restaurant, both of their phones buzzed with a notification from their group chat. 

**_Taeyongie_ **

**_20:12_ **

_Has anyone been able to contact Jaehyunie?_

_He’s not at home and he’s been unreachable for some time now, and I’m getting worried_

Johnny frowns at the message before he puts his fork down entirely to focus on the chat. Some of the others send in replies saying that they haven’t heard from Jaehyun in a while as well, and Johnny worries his lips, completely engrossed with the chat until he sees Donghyuck’s reply. 

**_Donghyuckie_ **

**_20:16_ **

_Hyung I’m sure Jaehyunie-hyung just needs some space for the time being_

Johnny looks up from his phone then to see Donghyuck staring at him, looking unamused. 

“Is this how you treat your dates, hyung?” the younger asks, pouting dramatically at him. 

Johnny smiles sheepishly, setting his phone back down as he mumbles an apology. He doesn’t pick up his fork again though, mind too filled with questions and worries to eat now. Vaguely, he registers Donghyuck looking at him curiously, and he tilts his head up in question. 

“I've always wondered, you know.” Donghyuck starts, and Johnny raises a brow, urging him to continue. 

“Why you and Jaehyunie-hyung didn't end up dating.” 

Johnny suddenly feels like he made the right choice to not have resumed eating his pasta. 

“Donghyuck, _what on earth_ are you saying?” he asks, as if just the idea of it is unthinkable, even when he can feel his heart rate picking up. 

Donghyuck only shrugs, twisting his noodles with his fork distractedly as he continues, “Did you know that we were all suspecting it for a period of time? We were wondering if you've been hiding it from us, and Taeyongie-hyung even felt upset about it for a while. And then Jaehyunie-hyung said that he’s dating another female idol, and that's when we realised we were wrong.” 

That’s right. Thinking about it now, maybe the cracks in their relationship started to form when Jaehyun began dating. Everything’s changed since then; their time set aside for cuddling in Johnny’s small bed in their old dorm, as if nothing else existed outside of it, talking about their deepest fears and secrets in hushed voices. It all stopped. They still talked to each other. They still went to the gym, hunted for the best coffee and wine bars together once in a while. But something has shifted in their relationship since that point and it never returned.

“But still,” Donghyuck carries on when he realises that Johnny isn’t going to reply.

“It is never quite like how you were with the rest of us. The way you flowed around each other, the way you depended on each other.” 

“Donghyuck, I’m not —” He starts, tone exasperated, but somehow, he’s picturing Jaehyun’s smile in his head suddenly. 

Jaehyun’s deep but bright laughter and his dimples. Jaehyun’s eyes lighting up in joy whenever he brings an extra coffee fix just for him. Jaehyun under him, face flushed in red as he moans his name when he — 

Just, _Jaehyun._

“Gay? Bi?” Donghyuck fills in for him, his head cocking slightly to one side. 

Johnny swallows the lump that’s formed in his throat and drops his gaze to the glass of water in front of him. 

“... Honestly, I don’t think it matters that much, what you want to call it. Isn’t it enough that two people are in love with each other? The label, whatever name society attaches to it. That shouldn’t be what’s most important, isn’t it?” 

Johnny wants to argue. He truly does. Knowing his identity and staying true to it has always been important to him, and just the thought that he might have lived the plus twenty something years of his life in a lie might tear him apart.

But Donghyuck’s words aren’t wrong either. _As long as two people are in love with each other, shouldn’t that be enough?_

Does he love Jaehyun? 

_You ask that,_ his brain tells him, _but you’re dying to run to him right now._

Isn’t that enough? 

He clenches his jaw and meets Donghyuck’s eyes, which has taken on an understanding gaze. 

“You know where he might be, don’t you, hyung?” 

If Jaehyun’s still the same person he knows, if he hasn’t thrown away all the time they’ve spent together despite locking him out. He might have an inkling of where he could be. 

“But what about —” 

Donghyuck only waves him off, shaking his head dramatically. 

“Don't need to worry about me. Don’t thank me either, just maybe, buy me a car for my next birthday.” 

Johnny chokes out a laugh despite the situation, and Donghyuck grins. 

“Go find him, hyung. If there’s one person he wants to be next to right now, I’m sure it would be you.” 

  
  
  


_La Lune_ is a speakeasy-style bar near Apgujeong that the two of them discovered together some years back. Frankly, Johnny’s quite surprised that it’s still operating, given it’s secluded location. But a look at the number of patrons around the bar has him worried whether Jaehyun would still come here, like they used to whenever they needed to lift their moods. He keeps his head down as he walks in, thinking about how he can find out if Jaehyun’s here without gaining too much attention, when he hears a surprised voice behind him. 

“Oh, It’s been a while!” 

He turns around to find the owner of the bar looking at him, and he smiles, the familiar face easing his nerves slightly. Since they’ve been regulars at this bar even before the general public has discovered it, they know the owner personally, which made it easier for them to hide from any stalkers or paparazzis who might be at bay. This connection is one of the reasons they kept returning to this place, aside from its extensive wine collection and the atmosphere. 

“It is,” he replies, before asking, “By any chance… Is _he_ here now?” 

Confusion passes over the owner’s face for a moment before realisation takes its place, and he nods. 

“He arrived an hour or so ago,” and then adds, “Your usual spot.” 

His hurried movement to head inside stalls at the words of the owner. _Their_ usual spot? He didn’t know they had a usual spot, although they did seem to always sit at — 

“The table behind the bookshelf, on the second floor?” 

_Right._ That was their usual spot. It’s mostly hidden away from the rest of the tables, which gives them the privacy that they needed. At one point Jaehyun even jokingly asked the owner if he could reserve that particular table for just the two of them. 

It seems like Jaehyun has taken up that space for two all alone for quite some time now. 

He bows to the owner in thanks, before he’s speeding up the stairs as calmly as he can, his heart leaping into his throat as he makes his way to the table. He still doesn’t know what he’s going to say when he actually sees Jaehyun, what the right thing to say even is, but he’s here now. And now that he found him, he’s not going to turn back. 

It’s a lot more anticlimactic than he’d pictured their first meeting after so long to be. 

He’d given thought to it once, and he had expected them to meet in a party of sorts, with the rest of the members around them, and for Jaehyun to continue giving him the cold shoulder even then. 

But he guesses that when someone shows up, somewhat uninvited, in front of a person who’s been drinking alone in a secluded corner of a bar, there isn’t much ignoring that person can do, because Jaehyun’s staring at him, eyes wide and ears visibly red even under the dull yellow lighting. 

“Johnny —? What the…?” 

“... Hey, Jay.” 

He fidgets in front of the empty chair for a moment, letting Jaehyun stare at his face for too long a time to be comfortable, before he decides to slide into the chair to sit down properly. His eyes catch the bottle of Pinot Noir in front of Jaehyun and widens when he realises that it’s down to less than half of its original volume. 

“Did you drink that much of it within the hour you’re here?” 

Jaehyun snaps out of his trance then, leaning behind on the backrest of his chair to create some distance between them. He shrugs. 

“I guess.” 

Johnny frowns, but he bites back the words he wants to say. It’s better not to push Jaehyun any further for now. 

“What are you doing here?” Jaehyun asks, then, expression guarded. Not unlike how it had been the last time Johnny’s seen him, back in that hotel room, when he had been shivering from the cold shower he took. 

He’s been expecting this question, but he still doesn’t know what to say. It takes a while for him to form up the words, just them staring at each other, before he sighs.

“Jaehyun, I’m worried.” 

Jaehyun doesn’t reply, but his gaze seems to have softened, which Johnny takes as a good sign. 

“... Taeyong sent a message to the group, saying you’ve been unreachable for some time. So I thought of the places you could have gone to and…” 

_This was the first place I’d thought of. Our place._

He doesn’t finish the sentence. Jaehyun says nothing about it. 

“... I didn’t even know you were coming back to Seoul.” 

Johnny smiles at that, albeit wistfully. Of course he wouldn’t. 

“I didn’t know you would be in Paris, either,” he replies, lightly teasing, before realising that that probably wasn’t the best thing to say when Jaehyun’s expression darkens again. 

“Yeah, kinda wish I hadn’t been now.” 

He nibbles at the insides of his cheeks as he watches Jaehyun pour himself another glass of the wine. He contemplates asking him about what happened that night, but Jaehyun beats him to it. 

“I haven’t told anyone else about it, but hyung would understand, wouldn’t you?”

Johnny blinks, surprised by the change of attitude suddenly. He opens his mouth to say that of course he would, that he’s on his side no matter what. But Jaehyun continues — 

“We slept together, after all.” 

— and Johnny finds himself speechless once more. 

“Jay...” 

But Jaehyun is uncaring about his confusion as he carries on with the story. 

“That bastard was a homophobe,” he says, tone devoid of any emotions as he takes a sip of his wine in between. “He was saying homophobic shit about the gay couples that were at the party, and I drank too much that night… because I saw you at the show...” 

Nothing could have prepared Johnny to hear the reason it all started. More than the surprise at what the big picture is and the anger over how that stylist had lied, it’s the shock that their meeting affected Jaehyun this much. Just as much as, or even more than, it affected Johnny. 

“Jaehyun…” He sighs, more for himself than the man in front of him. If only he’d known it earlier… But then again, what could he have done? 

“Anyway, my manager wasn’t around at that moment, and I let my emotions get ahead of me,” Jaehyun continues in a flurry of words, sweeping his bangs back with a hand. 

“And that was it.” 

There is nothing Johnny could say in reply to that, although he did very much want to find that bastard who spewed all these lies and caused Jaehyun so much distress to give him another punch himself right away. They let silence take its place between them, the jazz softly playing and the hushed conversations of the other customers on the level all Johnny could hear. Jaehyun reaches for the bottle of wine again, and this time, Johnny stops him with a hand wrapped around Jaehyun’s wrist. 

Jaehyun doesn’t fight it. 

“Why couldn’t you tell Doyoung or Taeyong about it?” he asks, voice soft as if it would scare Jaehyun away if he talked any louder. His hand remains on Jaehyun’s wrist, cold against his warmth. 

Jaehyun shrugs again, almost nonchalantly. 

“Then I’ll have to tell them about you.” 

His voice cracks mid-way through his sentence, and he turns his eyes away. Johnny sees it though, the hurt in his eyes, or maybe, he thinks, he can feel it. The sorrow behind those words. He slides his hand down to Jaehyun’s, closed in a loose fist, and squeezes it. Jaehyun meets his eyes briefly at the gesture, before he relaxes his hand to let Johnny slip his hand in. 

There is so much for them to talk about, so much Johnny wants to tell him. But this is not the place. It’s not the best time either, considering how Jaehyun’s almost finished a whole bottle of wine on his own. 

“... How did you come here?” 

Jaehyun seems perplexed by the sudden question, but answers either way. “I drove.” 

Johnny frowns. 

“You were coming here to drink, and you drove?” 

Back when they used to come here together, they took a taxi down every time, and always made sure that at least one of them was sober enough to get them a taxi back home. 

“Replacement drivers exist for a reason, hyung.” 

That’s the first time Jaehyun addressed him like he used to all night, no, actually — it’s the first time in almost two years. Johnny finds himself smiling, though he doesn’t think that hiring replacement drivers is a good idea for how much negative spotlight Jaehyun is getting these few days. 

“Come on, I’ll drive you home.” 

He tugs at Jaehyun’s hand that is in his, and rounds over the table to pull Jaehyun up. He knows Jaehyun has good tolerance for alcohol, but he doesn’t want to risk any chance of him tripping or falling, which his clumsy self tends to do when he’s got a certain amount of alcohol in his system. So they make their way down with Jaehyun half-leaning on Johnny all the while, their interlocked hands in Johnny’s left coat pocket to make it less conspicuous. Johnny picks up the tab for Jaehyun’s wine, to Jaehyun’s protests, which Johnny shushes by telling Jaehyun that it’s quicker. They’ve been here before, when Jaehyun is the intoxicated one between the two of them, and Johnny’s seen how Jaehyun’s hands fail to cooperate when he needs them to. 

He lets Jaehyun lead the way to his car, smiling despite himself when Jaehyun curls in closer against him when the cold winter wind of the night blows past them the moment they come outdoors. When they get into the car at last, Johnny watches Jaehyun settle into the passenger seat, before he’s bending down to help him buckle his seatbelt. He feels Jaehyun’s body tense up from his action, but he ignores it until he’s done fastening it. They spend a moment staring at each other, their proximity giving Johnny flashbacks on the last time they had been this close, back in that hotel room. He gives Jaehyun a small smile and reaches a hand up to stroke his head once before he’s stepping away to close the door. 

_One step at a time,_ he reminds himself. 

  
  
  


Jaehyun’s new apartment is located in the opposite direction of his previous apartment. The building seems newer, and the security is tighter. They get out of the car after a quiet ride, and Johnny wonders if this is where they say goodnight and goodbye. Jaehyun seems to be thinking about the same thing, because he’s been staring at Johnny from his position next to the passenger side door since he got down.

“It’s late.” Jaehyun points out with his brows furrowed. 

If this was a conversation between any two other people, what Jaehyun said might have been considered flirtatious. But Johnny knows it’s not. Perhaps it’s deeper than that. Their relationship has always been skirting around the boundary between friends and lovers, after all. 

“I’ll head up with you?” Johnny asks, though it seems more like a statement than a question. 

Jaehyun nods, and begins leading the way to the elevator lobby. Johnny follows after him quietly, taking the time to finally observe Jaehyun under proper lighting. Nothing much seems to have changed, save for his more pronounced cheekbones and the dark circles that seem more prominent than usual. He can only imagine how distressing the past few days have been. 

They enter the elevator, Jaehyun a step behind him, and when he turns around he’s surprised by a weight on his right shoulder. The door closes just in time to reflect Jaehyun leaning on him, knees bending slightly so that his head can reach Johnny’s shoulder. It’s odd, just how quickly his attitude towards him changed, but he’s not complaining. This feels right, even though they still undoubtedly need to talk about _them_. 

“... I’m tired.” 

Johnny hears Jaehyun mumble, tone petulant as if he’s using it as an excuse for his behaviour. It makes him chuckle, and he brings an arm around Jaehyun’s shoulder to pull him closer. 

“I know.” 

By the time they enter Jaehyun’s unit on the 22nd floor, it’s almost midnight. Johnny holds onto Jaehyun as he attempts to toe off his shoes, only succeeding at the third attempt, and tells him to go wash up for bed. Jaehyun, however, stops in the living room. 

“... You’re not going to leave, are you?” 

His cautious tone takes the wind out of Johnny’s sails, and he sighs. 

“Jaehyun, I won’t leave unless you want me to,” he says defeatedly, and Jaehyun purses his lips. 

“Do you want me to leave?” 

Jaehyun stares at him for a while, before he shakes his head.

“No.” 

“Then I’ll stay.” 

For some reason, it feels like they aren’t just talking about Johnny staying over for the night. 

He walks up to him, closing the gap between them, and gives his arm a gentle squeeze. 

“We’ll wake up and talk tomorrow, okay? You should rest for now.” 

Jaehyun reaches up to return the squeeze on Johnny’s arm, before he lets go and turns away, saying, “Make yourself at home.” 

Johnny wonders if he’s projecting, but this apartment feels void of warmth. It doesn’t feel how a _home_ should feel. Jaehyun’s old apartment had more colour to it; furnitures made of oak, with a light beige wallpaper and colourful framed art pieces or photographs around. This apartment has a monotone design, blacks and whites filling the space, and there are minimal decorations around. Maybe minimalism is Jaehyun’s style now, but it seems a tad much for Johnny’s liking. 

He sits down on the leather sofa, and pulls out his phone for the first time that night since leaving the Italian restaurant. Their group chat is filled with new messages, and Johnny realises why when he taps into it and sees Donghyuck’s message. 

**_Donghyuckie_ **

**_20:43_ **

_I sent Johnny-hyung to go find Jaehyunie-hyung_

_He should be fine ^^_

He snorts as he reads the replies, mostly asking how Johnny knows where to find Jaehyun. _So much for trust,_ he thinks. 

**_Me_ **

**_23:22_ **

_I found Jaehyun guys_

_Brought him back home safely_

_Don’t worry_

Messages start rolling in again, but Johnny doesn’t bother to reply to them. He taps into the private chat with Taeyong, and begins typing.

**_Me_ **

**_23:25_ **

_Yong-ah_

_I think we need to delay tomorrow’s production timing_

_Is that okay?_

**_Taeyongie_ **

**_23:26_ **

_Is it because of Jaehyunie?_

_It's okay, we are ahead of schedule anyway_

_Have a good talk together!!_

He smiles at Taeyong’s message. It's probably what all of them are wishing for now: that they reconcile and go back to the way they were. 

It's what Johnny is hoping for too, tomorrow.

  
  
  


By the time Johnny has showered and changed into a new set of pyjamas that Jaehyun has yet to wear himself, Jaehyun is already in bed, dozing off. He softens his footsteps at the sight, and is about to make his way back into the living room when Jaehyun calls his name.

“Where are you going?” he asks, voice deep and words slurring. It’s been a long time since he’s heard Jaehyun like this. 

“To the sofa?” he says, confused for a moment before he realises what Jaehyun means. 

“You don’t mean —” 

But Jaehyun is already scooting over on his bed, leaving more than enough space for him. 

“Jay.” 

“... Please?” 

He meets Jaehyun’s eyes for a moment and considers. It’s not the first time they’re going to do this; they used to fall asleep together all the time back in their dorm, hands wrapped around each other and listening to each other’s heartbeats and breathing. But it’s a little different now. 

“I just think I would be able to sleep better if you’re next to me,” Jaehyun adds honestly. 

How could he say no to that? 

He sighs, before shuffling over to slide in under the duvet, already warm from Jaehyun’s own body heat. He takes in Jaehyun’s disheveled hair and relaxed expression, tries to make himself comfortable, and then opens his arms. 

“C’mere,” he tells Jaehyun, who gives him a grateful smile before he’s sliding over, curling towards Johnny’s chest. 

And Johnny finds himself releasing a long breath he hasn’t even realised he’s been holding. 

He stares out of the floor-to-ceiling window of the room, watching the night scene unfold as he rubs soothing circles on Jaehyun’s back. He doesn’t think he’ll get any sleep tonight, but he hopes Jaehyun will. 

“You know, hyung.” 

Jaehyun’s voice startles him, and he hums questioningly. 

“When I was alone at the bar just now, I found myself thinking, ‘ _ah_ , _it would be so nice if Johnny-hyung could just come in and be here with me right now’,_ ” Jaehyun says, voice slightly muffled from being so close to Johnny’s chest. Johnny’s hand on his back stops moving. 

“And then really suddenly, I remembered what you said to me that year, when you dedicated that Coldplay song to me on our radio. Do you remember?” 

Johnny remembers. He remembers how he picked _Swallowed in the Sea_ for Jaehyun, and the reason for it. 

“I said that I would run to you no matter where we may be when you need me. That you’ll always have me by your side,” he says, voice wavering as a wave of melancholy floods over him. It’s been so long since he made that promise, but he can still remember his feelings when he wrote it down, when he said it. Nothing’s changed about these feelings, even after so many years, even though so many other things changed. 

Maybe, like Donghyuck had said, he’s always loved Jaehyun all this while. 

“... And you did.” 

Jaehyun’s sniffling, and only then does Johnny realise that he’s already crying. He feels Jaehyun’s arms pulling him in closer by his back, and he returns the hug just as tightly, not at all caring about how his tears are making the front of his shirt damp. 

“Thank you.” 

Jaehyun’s voice is croaky and muffled against his shirt, but he hears it all the same. He replies with a kiss pressed against Jaehyun’s forehead. 

When Jaehyun eventually settles down, sniffled sobs dying down and breaths evening out, Johnny doesn’t stop running his palm up and down his back gently, soothing him in his sleep. He only falls asleep when the sun is peeking out on the horizon. 

  
  


The room is dark when he wakes up, and a look outside the window explains why. It’s raining. Winter is slowly leaving them, and spring is showing its first signs through a shower. 

Next to him, Jaehyun is still fast asleep, eyes puffy from crying and lips slightly parted. Johnny runs a thumb gently over a tear streak left on his cheek and presses another kiss to his forehead before he slips out of the bed carefully. 

He’s never been one to sleep in, not when he was an idol, and not now either, when he has more control over his schedules. It’s just part of who he is, to live everyday to the fullest. The clock in the living room tells him that it’s eleven in the morning, and he heads into the kitchen, completely new to him, and fumbles around the cabinets for the things he needs: a mug (or two), and coffee. He finds the mugs first, and discovers a french press. The one he got Jaehyun for his birthday four years ago. It looks like it hasn’t been used often, but the insides are still clean and as good as new, so he decides to use it. He finds some Colombian ground coffee, and immediately gets to work. For the past few days, he’s been relying on the cafes around for his coffee fix, and it feels good to be able to make his own coffee again. He spaces out as he sets the time for the coffee to settle, brain too tired to start thinking about anything before he has his first cup of coffee. 

He hears Jaehyun’s voice from the bedroom when he’s pouring the first cup out. 

“Hyung?” 

The panic in his voice is evident, and Johnny replies hurriedly, “In the kitchen!” 

He doesn’t hear anything from the room again as he pours the second cup out, so he takes both mugs with him and shuffles back into the bedroom. Jaehyun is sitting on the bed, looking half awake, and Johnny laughs as he walks over to pass him his cup of the coffee. 

“You could’ve slept more, I’ll still be here.” 

Jaehyun smiles at him, though in his half-conscious state it looks more like a grimace. 

“Had to be sure.” 

Maybe it was meant to be a grimace. 

Johnny sits down next to him, and softly, he starts to talk. 

“Jay, I meant what I said last night. I won’t leave unless you tell me that you want me to.” 

Jaehyun stares at him, and a whirl of emotions seem to pass through his eyes before he looks down. 

“I’m sorry.” 

He hasn’t been expecting that.

“... What for?” he asks, lowering the hand that is holding his mug. 

“For locking you out. For not saying goodbye. For not giving you a chance to explain yourself. For —” 

Jaehyun catches himself and breathes, as if trying to collect himself. Johnny takes the time to move both of their mugs to the bedside table. 

“For being selfish, hyung.” 

“... Hey.” 

Johnny reaches up to stroke the side of Jaehyun’s face, and tilts his head up so they are looking at each other again. 

“Apology accepted, but I also need to apologise to you,” he says with a wince. “I’m sorry, Jaehyun. For not telling you about my departure earlier.” 

Jaehyun sighs, but leans into Johnny’s touch nonetheless. 

“I was… Scared. Of how you might react, because you’re important to me, Jay. And I knew you would be disappointed…” Jaehyun doesn’t look impressed, which makes Johnny chuckle despite himself.

“Shitty excuse, I know, but it’s the truth. I was overthinking and I made a mistake, and I know how much it hurt you. I’m really sorry for that.” 

“... Apology accepted,” Jaehyun repeats, and they both smile. 

It’s not the end, though. Not yet. 

“When I left your hotel room that night,” Jaehyun starts, and Johnny’s smile falters slightly. He drops his hand from Jaehyun’s face, but Jaehyun catches it with his own hand, barely intertwining their fingers as he slides his palm next to his. 

“I realised that I’ve been in love with you for quite some time.” 

It shouldn’t come as a surprise, since deep inside he’s already guessed it, but it still surprises him to hear Jaehyun admit it. He nods, because he knows Jaehyun has more to say, holds Jaehyun’s hand tighter in his. 

“It all made so much sense then… I’ve been living in denial the whole time, trying to date female idols who confess to me even when I’m not really interested in them, just so I can get you out of my head, and not see you as more than a friend. But even when I _realised_ I was in denial, it still scared me…” 

“... and so you locked me out.” 

Johnny doesn’t mean it to be accusatory, but Jaehyun’s apparently taken it that way because he’s apologising again. 

“Don’t, apology accepted, remember?” he reminds him. “I forgive you, Jay. _Shit,_ I can’t even imagine how hard it must have been on you…” 

Jaehyun smiles weakly at him, and then he’s continuing on. 

“I moved out of my old apartment because there were so many traces of you everywhere. For a month after that I couldn’t talk to any of our members, because I didn’t know how. How to deal with myself, and this denial when they’ve seen me grow up and know me so well. So I talked to my friends, from the other teams, those who have experience with this… I read up a lot… and came to terms with me being possibly bisexual.” 

When Jaehyun’s eyes meet his again, it is already welling up with tears. Johnny thinks he’s seen him cry harder these two days than he had in the past decade that they’ve known each other. He wipes a stray tear that’s rolling down Jaehyun’s cheek, and listens to him say with a shaky voice:

“But by then, I’ve already lost you.” 

_That’s not true._

“You haven’t, Jay…” he reassures Jaehyun as he pulls him into his embrace. Never before has he felt so disheartened over not being able to express himself and his love for someone, and he’s desperate to make Jaehyun understand. 

“I’ve always been here, silly,” he says as he holds Jaehyun even tighter in his arms. “And I’ll always be.” 

When Jaehyun’s shoulders finally stop shaking, he pulls away, just enough for them to rest their foreheads together. 

“You know, someone wise told me yesterday that as long as two people are in love with each other, that should be more than enough,” he chuckles, to Jaehyun’s confusion, and admits, “I still don’t know who I am, or what I identify as, honestly.” 

“But I know I want you.”

Johnny laughs nervously at how Jaehyun’s stilled completely, eyes wide at his confession. 

“I know it’s not going to be easy, and I know that it is unfair, maybe even cowardly of me to want this even when I’m still trying to figure out myself, especially when you went through so much just to accept who you are but… I want to wake up next to you, and hold your hand whenever I want, kiss you whenever I want, be next to you until you get sick of me…” 

He finally stops rambling, and his hands are shaking as they reach out for Jaehyun’s, squeezing them gently in a prompt to get him to respond. 

“Is that… okay?”

For a moment, tears are beginning to well in Jaehyun’s eyes again, but then he smiles, genuine and bright.

“Yeah, that’s okay. That’s more than okay.” 

He feels himself tearing up when Jaehyun pulls him in for a hug this time, gentle and warm.

“As long as we’re together, we’ll be okay.” 

  
  
  


The rain has stopped by the time Jaehyun gets out of his shower. 

Johnny is placing the pot of ramyun — their brunch — on the dining table when Jaehyun walks out talking to someone on the phone, hair still wet and dripping into the towel around his neck. Johnny stares at the shirt he’s wearing as he slides into one of the seats around the table. 

It looks oddly familiar. 

The phone call seems pretty serious, and only when Johnny hears the word ‘sue’ does he remember the bigger issue they had at hand. He busies himself with finding the dishes and cutlery in the kitchen to give Jaehyun some privacy, only returning when Jaehyun greets the other party goodbye. 

“Was that the company?” he asks as he sits on the chair opposite Jaehyun. 

“Yeah, apparently,” Jaehyun sighs in relief before continuing, “Someone else’s stylist at the party had a video recording going on right when that bastard’s said those homophobic things, and she caught wind of this incident so she decided to upload the audio including what he said.” 

“God, that’s great!”

“It is, and he’s finally dropping the case against me. But now there are people asking why I got so riled up over his comments… so... “ 

Johnny frowns in disgust.

“Straight people can feel strongly about homophobia too.” 

Jaehyun shrugs. “Not everyone sees that, I guess.” 

Johnny watches quietly as Jaehyun digs into his noodles, before he bumps his ankle against Jaehyun’s quietly to get his attention. 

“It’ll be okay, you know, right, Jay?” 

“... I know, hyung.” 

He smiles at the conviction in Jaehyun's voice, and is about to start on his meal too when Jaehyun’s shirt catches his attention again. 

“By the way… Is that my shirt...?” he asks, pointing at the shirt in question. 

Jaehyun blinks once at his question, then looks down to the piece of clothing on him, before looking back up at him. 

“Hyung never asked me to return it.” 

The petulance in his tone makes Johnny speechless, but his heart swells in endearment for this man in front of him regardless. 

The feeling guides his legs up and forward, stopping right in front of where Jaehyun is sitting, with his unruly wet hair and puffy eyes. Then, he asks, “Can I kiss you right now?” 

Jaehyun blinks again, before he smiles at him, brighter than the sun that is peaking through the clouds and shining into the room. 

“You don’t have to ask.” 

_Just kiss me._

The later part of his sentence is left unsaid, but Johnny hears it anyway. 

And so he does. 

As long as they’re together, Johnny knows that they’ll be okay. 

  
  
  
  


(“Who’s that someone wise you mentioned just now, though?”

“... Donghyuck.”

“...”

“Apparently I owe him a car for his next birthday now.”) 

**Author's Note:**

> so i finally FINISHED THIS 
> 
> first of all i would like to thank those who have been following this series since breathe, and through the mess this dream isn't feeling sweet was!!! your comments motivated me so much you have no idea (even though i dont reply i SEE YOU ALL thank you) 
> 
> second of all  
> there was so much going on here, because i did want to touch on JN's own journey with accepting his sexuality. i just want to clarify what i wrote for DH's 'advice':  
> it's obviously not going to be as simple as having a friend tell you that oh just go ahead with the r/s and ignore the labels, and then you do that, because that's not how life works. i don't think it's possible to be engaged in a non-heterosexual r/s and/or identify as a queer person WITHOUT the labels and what it entails following you. that'll be disrespectful towards what a whole community, all around the world, has done to fight for our rights and fight heteronormativity. what i was (admittedly very simplified-ly) trying to get at is for JN to recognise, accept and confess his feelings first, even though it's tearing apart what he thought to be his identity, and start finding what he truly identifies as.  
> i might have projected this bc i'm bi but i rlly dont like labels (though i do recognise and appreciate their importance)  
> maybe i was too ambitious with it AND i really hope i didn't romanticize it too much ???????? gosh PLEASE leave me a comment if you think there is smth seriously wrong with this
> 
> or i might be just rambling bc my brain is dead after i was done writing this
> 
> thanks for reading this longass thing nonetheless!


End file.
